100 Lives Lived - Music

Dear reader,

I know it’s been awhile. I’ve written a few posts but I didn’t like how they were going or how I was saying what I wanted to share, so I scraped them. Sometimes, it’s difficult to get the words right, when you have so many thoughts, so quickly running through your head. This post doesn’t actually have to do with art school. Today I’m going to talk about an art I learned before I was in art school - piano playing.

Due to an injury I incurred when I was in Elementary School and the kind of person I was expected to be for my future, I was taught quite a few things - sports, dance, music, etiquette, and so much more. One of those sports was Cheerleading, which I will eventually talk about; but, I sustained a rather fascinating injury that still affects me today. I think I’ve written about it - I know I’ve made TikTok videos about it. But due to not being able to be physically active, I was put into piano lessons, because I needed to put my energy into something. This is just one of the many missed signs from my childhood that I am neurodivergent - I needed to be constantly doing something because of my ADHD. 

But I loved piano. I learned some of the classics, I learned on organs, keyboard, and regular pianos. So any type, I can play on. Even pedals. It’s not often that someone has that comprehensive of an education in an instrument, but I had lessons for about 3 years, during my fundamental years. I took a special interest in my instrument, because I got to pick it. I have an affinity for string instruments and even taught myself guitar, using some of the techniques that I learned from my piano lessons. I got good enough to sight-read music and I still have muscle memory for some of the songs that I learned for various recitals.

I hate to admit it, but I did stop playing for a very long time. Too long, in my opinion. I would randomly sit down at whatever keyboard or piano I found in a random place and play a piece or two. But I was always told that being a musician was not a lucrative career, and so I never even considered it an option.

But it has been calling to me, as of late. I’ve always wanted to be able to just sit down where ever I find a piano and just layout an entire song. Purely for my own enjoyment. At the same time that I was in piano lessons, I was also in choir. This wasn’t your generic children’s chorus group that the music class does. Our teacher had previously taught at a college and had moved to a school when he started his own family. He was one of my favourite teachers in Elementary School. I had individual vocal lessons as well; all aside from music class. 

All of this is to say that I am classically trained in piano and singing. This is not a fact that most people in my family even remember, and it’s not something that anyone in my life really knows about. It’s not that I’m ashamed of it. Though, I do not like being in the spotlight, so I don’t ever want someone that does know this information to do the whole “hey, you can play/sing! Do it right now on the spot!” thing you see in movies/shows. I have no idea how frequently that could actually happen, but I REALLY do not like being the center of attention. So it’s anxiety from that, but also just from being afraid that I’m not good enough. Because I didn’t keep up with either. I did continue with my vocal training in high school for some time, with my theatre education.

But even then…. It’s now been 15 years since I graduated high school. I only sing in the car or shower for myself. The only people in my life that have ever heard me sing really are my partners. I’m just shy when it comes to putting my talents on display. But, I do still want to practice them. 

It’s a weird spot to be in, mentally, when you know how to do a thing, and you want to practice it, but you also don’t want anyone to judge you for it. Maybe I’m just weird for that. I don’t want to put myself on display, but I would like to enjoy the way getting lost in the music feels. That’s my favourite thing about playing and singing - how I can literally forget the notes or the words, but I never lose my place. I just get transported and wrapped up in the song. It’s just me and the beautiful sounds. I just want to feel that again. To me, that’s what love feels like.

I’m sure there’s someone out there that might know what I’m talking about. The words aren’t doing it justice, honestly. But I hope it makes some sense, I just needed to get that out into the world. People tell me that I’m closed off and don’t share things about myself, so I’m trying to do that with this series. If you are someone that knows me IRL, I hope this helps you understand me better.

Until next time—