Portance

Portance

Dear reader,

Can I tell you a secret? Do you promise to keep it to yourself? Okay, good. 

I’m TERRIBLE at putting myself first. And I’m GREAT at putting others ahead of me. A lot of people say that; I’m sure you’ve heard it quite a few times before. That part isn’t really the secret. I’m getting there, though. 

But the behavior of putting others first means that you are the kind of person that although reliable, means that can also be gullible, naive, or even hurt easily. For me, it means going down a winding, scary road where I get hurt a lot. 

I love with wild abandon and put others first, not caring what happens to myself. This portance can be beneficial in certain settings and is a good trait to have in many settings. But it can also be harmful, if abused by evil people. So, I tend to fall in love with, take care of, or generally find myself in situations where people do not care about my well-being what so ever. 

Because of this, and here comes the secret: I am terrified that I will never be important to anyone. I am scared that no one will ever love me the way that I love others. The thing I desire most in life is to be the center of someone’s world. 

I have been told that I am loved, I have told I am important, but I learned early on in life that words means nothing unless action is there to back them up. So far, I’ve only been told words with no substance or meaning behind them. People just say things and then hurt me. 

Part 2 of my secret is that I am petrified that no one will ever be able to love or care for me the way that I desire. 

I have been shown in some gestures that people care for me, but it is not a portance that anyone has ever adopted completely towards me. They tend to just show it once in awhile or if I express anxiety or distress over only ever being told things and not being shown how they feel about me. It is very distressing, dear reader. Because there is something that everyone wants to do in life, right? Something they feel is their calling? Mine is to help others. But, I also have a single goal in life, separate from that, but tangentially related: to be loved and wanted. 

You’ve been reading bits and pieces about what my life has been like and you have may gathered that growing up, I did not feel wanted or loved. Even in college, I did not feel wanted or loved. In fact, it wasn’t until the past 5 or so years that people REALLY started to make me feel loved or wanted. 

Yet, it’s still been lacking. In the romance department.... I keep getting rejected. In the job department.... I keep getting rejected. In the PhD department.... I keep getting rejected. In the friend department.... I keep getting rejected. There seems to be a portance towards me of rejection. Of failure. 

How does one deal with that, dear reader? When it feels like you only fail at the things that matter to you? When the main goal you have in life keeps getting rejected? When it feels like no one cares or loves you? When you keep being told “NO” over and over again? How do you deal with failure?

Of course, this does center around having just one person want me to be their everything. I thought I had found that person, I still think they are that person, but portance tell me otherwise. Their words tell me otherwise. When you want to be the world to someone and they tell you that somehow you still aren’t enough is very painful. I have been trying to accept it and deal with it, but it is difficult. 

So I’ve been trying to focus these feelings on to the job hunt. And I go on interviews. I get told I’m the perfect candidate, that I would fit in really well, that they love my answers, that my experiences would be perfect for the role. They ask me back for a second round of interviews. They do a background check. They get my references. And then nothing. “Sorry, someone else was better qualified.” For an entry level job. One of the jobs was to respond to a Hepatitis A outbreak in another state. That is the majority of my public health experience, dear reader! How could anyone else be better qualified?

It took me about 4 tries before I even got my career field right. I knew I wanted to help people, help the world; make it a better place. I knew the things I loved. But I had no guidance. I had to work through it all on my own. Professors got annoyed when I didn’t know how to format papers or how systems worked. No one ever bothered to teach me. Although I don’t want to matter to the world, I want to matter in my field enough to get a job. I want to stand out enough for someone to say: “Ey deserve a shot at this. Eir work has been amazing and we need to hire em!”

But still.... nothing. 

No love. No job. No importance. No positive portance. 

I’ve been told by a few people that I should be important to myself and I should live for just myself. And I can, I do, I am. But that’s not enough. And I just think that’s too selfish. Yes, I do love for myself. Yes, I do love myself. But that’s the whole point of this. Someone else should too. Others should make me important in their lives as well. 

But they aren’t. 

I am 30 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days old. I must be doing life wrong. Because it seems like that’s enough time to find love or a career; just one of those things! But I haven’t found either. I haven’t been important enough to anyone for them to say: “I’ve gotta have you!”

And that’s my secret fear, dear reader. That I never will. 

Until next time—