Pronouns

Pronouns

Dear reader,

A few months ago, I remembered that I could add “, MPH” after my name in email signatures. So I went into my personal and school/professional email settings and added those 5 little characters. While I was at it, I added something else that I had seen sporadically over the past year. “Pronouns: she/her”

As you may have guessed, I was born with the reproductive organs traditionally assigned to and was assigned the gender of “female”. That is the gender that I have automatically, and by default, qualified as my entire life. I have always supposed that this gender has fit me and I have never questioned it much, because it was one of those things that just never really mattered to me or bothered me. Labels are not something that I qualify my life by. It bothers me when someone assigns a rude or mean label to me, but otherwise, if it is incorrect, it tends to not bother me. 

As I mentioned before, I have in the past, been misgendered by people because I was a ‘tomboy’ growing up. I was never very ‘girly’, in the traditional sense, pink is my enemy, and frills and high heels are something that I honestly have straight-up despised at some points in my life. Part of this is because they were forced onto me by biological mother, but part of it is because I just do not care for them. I prefer comfortable clothes that don’t necessarily show off the curves of my body. 

This, I know, dear reader, comes from the fact that I physically matured EXTREMELY early. I don’t remember exactly how old I was when I first started to grow breasts. I just know that by the time I was in 5th grade, I had breasts large enough that bounced and hit me when I ran. I know that is a bit too much information, dear reader and I apologize for being graphic, but I need you to understand how bad it was. My biological mother and I FOUGHT about me wearing a bra, having many yelling matches. At the time I think I did see myself as more masculine than anything else, but I still called myself a ‘girl’. I had already started my period as well, just before I turned 11, at the turn of the millennia (2000). I finally agreed to wear a sports bra, because it meant less painful/easier running and sports playing, my biological mother was happier, and I felt like it fit ‘me’. The following school year I finally agreed to wear real bras and I was already in a C-cup. 

So physically, I have always been EXTREMELY “female”. Big breasts. Painful, obvious periods. Lots of curves. All things that our society says are reasons that someone should call themselves a “girl” or “woman”. This meant I never questioned the ‘default’ gender I was assigned. But I never have felt any particular attachment to those words or that gender-identity. Because my body matured so early on, I matured sexually very early as well. 

I had my first kiss when I was 8 years old, and I had my first girlfriend then as well. We actually got caught by my biological mother, and the first excuse that popped into my head was that we were telling secrets. I doubt she bought it, but I also doubt she even remembers that instance. It was during a sleeping over, and per her suggestion, we tried it. It went on for a good year and half (maybe longer) and we explored a few different things, as both of us had matured physically early on. I suppose that was when my body had started to change. But because I had explored my sexuality so early and because I had explored my identity so early in the form of what I wore and what activities I partook in (plus my biological parents didn’t really have the internet to tell them to stomp it out of me more than they already were), I was safe enough to say to myself, ‘Cool, don’t need a label, it’s fine to explore and just be who I am.’

It probably also helped that I had my books with characters that explored themselves and were different versions and levels of humans and other species, that it didn’t phase me that some people liked their own and other genders in varying degrees, or that they expressed their gender in different ways. 

But because I did grow-up in the 1990s, in a household with my biological parents that had very traditional ideas, I did know that taking things too extreme meant bad things. So whenever I saw or read about a character that was too obviously LGBTQ+ and brought it up with them, they were a ‘Nancy Boy’, or a ‘Butch Girl’ or a ‘Dyke’ or I was asked why I reading or watching that. If my biological parents didn’t understand something like Drag Queens/Kings or Trans people, they would change the subject or try to ban me from watching that show or reading that book/article ever again. Best thing about the library: parents have NO SAY in what you can check out!

So what all of this long-winded post is trying to say, is that I knew very early on that I could be me, but only if I was extremely controlled about when and where I was me. That is no one way to live, especially for a child. I always knew that I wasn’t straight and for a while I identified as bisexual, but then discovered the term pansexual, but it turns out, they mean the same thing to almost everyone. I am inclusive of all genders in my attraction, so that is my main distinction. And although I have always gone by the pronouns she/her, I have zero attachment to them. 

A few years ago, I had added to my twitter bio the pronouns, she/her/your grace. The ‘your grace’ part was a fun gender neutral option I had seen on the internet and I liked it for 2 reasons: it was neutral and it was silly. I liked it being silly because I have always called myself a queen. Not in the same way that many other afab (assigned female at birth) or gay men call themself or others queen, but because my first and middle names are actually the names of previous Queens of England. I was not actually named for them, it’s just a coincidence. However, I did like the neutral part. 

Why am I writing about this today, dear reader? Well, over the past year I have been re-exploring and rediscovering who “me” is. This includes EVERY aspect of who I am, including my gender. Because I have lived with/under the default gender I was assigned at birth, and because of my voluptuous body, I have never questioned my gender identity much before. But I have in the past had periods where I didn’t like being called a girl or a woman. It just didn’t quite feel right. But going with a gender-neutral doesn’t feel right 100% either. It feels more right, but it’s still not quite there/ I know part of this is because of the pronouns, they/them. In my experience growing up, being called ‘they’ or ‘them’ was not done kindly. It was akin to being called ‘it’ or ‘other’, essentially, a non-human.

I know that is a personal hang-up of mine, and may go deeper that just hearing someone say it meanly or rudely to someone else. I do want to explore that more in therapy, especially because of a book called ‘A Child Called ‘It’” by Dave Pelzer. I happened upon that book at someone point in my life and although my situation was never as bad as his, I felt some chilling similarities at points. 

So dear reader, when talking to me or about me, for now, please use the defaults of she/her, or if you must, use they/them. But please know that in my world, ‘they/them’ has bad connotations. So, I am all ears if you have any suggestions about other gender-neutral pronouns, because I don’t particularly identify with any one gender, but it would be nice to figure out what I do identify with.

Until next time—